A misanthrope is not just for Christmas…

All you out there full of the joys of Christmas take heed. For all the good cheer and mindless commercial excesses there are a load of folk whose preference is for cynical, misanthropic griping. I like to think I am one of those. Cheerily grumpy, is how I like to put it. We deserve respect!

Christmas is a difficult time of year for those with a contrariness bent. Be kind to us by not sending us cards. Please don’t ram the fact that you are as excited as a toddler by the whole dreary regularity of a festival that is way too excessive. Don’t get me wrong, I like excess – it’s what I’m good at – but come on now people, give it a rest.

humbug-scroogeIt’s not enough that I have to listen to f*****g carols from November onwards. Even in my local coffee shop I’ve been Bing Crosby’d to death for weeks now. I’ve even taken to walking in there with my own dirgeful music in my ears just so I don’t have to witness the excess of saccharine. If I wanted saccharine with my coffee I’d go for that sweet and low shit.

They do say that Christmas is for kids. Well if it is can they not do it quietly and at home? I am graceful enough to concede that inside the walls of a person’s house you can celebrate Christmas with all the abandon and carefree jollity of a rabid elf on ecstasy. But in the workplace? It spanks of too much desperation. Stop it, I say. Stop it right now.

And another thing, while I am embarking upon this rant, if someone doesn’t find Christmas a thrilling sherry-fuelled joy then stop calling us miserable. Let’s celebrate our diversity here, folks. I think you will find that the miserable bastards of this world (and I am one) at least have the temerity to be grumpy all year round. We don’t spend eleven months of the year in one mood and the last month ‘ho-ho-ho’ing like we have some sort of seasonal bi-polar thing going on. We are quietly and undemonstratively level-headedly misanthropic ALL YEAR ROUND. You’d have thought the regularity of that would have pleased people. But, oh no, we’re miserable bastards for not wanting to put on a paper fucking hat.

That said, have a great Christmas!


PS, done 100,000 words now, if any of you b*****s are interested…

The product of the third nipple

I’m not one for heartfelt feel-good posts. I seek neither to pander nor motivate, to gee-up nor inspire. If you read my post do not expect any of those things. Indeed, expect nothing less than a bitter diatribe or two chased down with a whinge. If you’re lucky (and I have become complacent in my role as embodiment of misanthropy) then I may unintentionally make you feel better because you are not as downright grumpy as me. But know it is a lie, like the supposed ‘fact’ that people still believe Marmite is a ‘like it or love it’ thing. It’s not. It’s just a fucking spread. I am apathetic to the point of inadequacy on the subject. Meh.

The path this blog has taken through the gentle tundra of my irascibility has been a surprising one.

See, that’s what I’m talking about. The line above. What a load of tosh. Why is it that my mind churns out such flange-muffery when asked to write a post? If I can’t rely on my barely conscious mind to adequately post something meaningful and sparkly on request, then what is the point? Why have the thing? Right now my mind is a third nipple – all very impressive but unlikely to write a good post that won’t drive you to sack it all off and light a joss stick.

But I let it splurge precisely because one must vent. Like a cheap and inadequately maintained steam-engine. Precisely like that. And you read it because it exists, even though it’s entire existence is owed to the selfish necessity for a bloody valve. All pointless to the point of blunt. And that makes you a voyeur, or at the very least a person-that’s-reading-my-post….

Honestly? Nah, I haven’t a clue what the point of this post is, other than to prove I can write one without wanting to and with minimal effort. If you wanted clarity you may have been disappointed.

Saying all that, be nice to everyone, polite and pleasantly engaging in all circumstances, then trust in humanity to hold up its end. That way lies the future. Peace!