Scene 5: Finale

Fade in. Then out again. Boom moved a little to the left. “Dammit, Nigel, where did you learn to be so royally useless.” Boom replaced in original position. Sullen indignation of Sound Recordist.


I sit here, reclining in my fashionable regency chaise longue, wreathed in finest crimplene, swollen with pride. An almost paralytic amount of it, to be precise, and curiously enough measured in gills –ย a truly archaic unit of measurement.

5352“More wine, dear wife,” I call in my ย arrogant yet probably endearing manner.

She sways in like Badgers never had a graceless moment, though her brother Derek has the coordination of a baby elephant with a case of rickets, so I know it to be just plain luck.

“Get your own wine,” she shrieks.

Briefly I ponder the nature of the universe. That a mighty god watches us always begs the question where the f*** was he when I asked her to marry me. Off fishing probably. Or carving figurines of dolphins. Or whatever – for is it not sang, “God Only Knows”, and that is a direct quote, entirely unedited or paraphrased. From the bible and everything. Maybe.

I wasn’t really regretting the decision to abandon Belgium to its fate. And I think we can all say, with total lack of offence, that nobody likes Belgium anyway. Romaine was worth it. The way she walks (erect), the way she talks (orally), her very attitude (spunky).

“CUT! Come on! We’ve talked about this, man. Stick to the script. People died in the congo for this, or something. Just keep it together and leave out the sexual weirdness.” A pause. “Nigel, move that fucking boom, or I will use it to clean yourย oesophagus. From below. Good. ACTION!”

“Was it worth it?” I ask, doubts assailing me like chickens fired from a cannon into the side of a barn.

She grimaces in a fever of over-acting, throwing herself to the floor before spearing me with a glare and saying, scornfully, “We got the world. Nobody likes Belgium. I can’t believe THE INTERVIEW OF THE CENTURY ended in our world domination, in a quite unbelievable and entirely un-thought-through way.”

“Yeah,” I said. I’d failed Belgium, but married the leader of the earth’s first global tyrannical dictatorship. It was a small price to pay. If only for the fringe benefits. I get free parking and everything. Screw Belgium.

“CUT! Thank Christ we can all go home now.”

Cue embarrassing bloopers reel, featuring the moment on the set of the interview when the interviewer is unwittingly racist, and the time the actor playing Sir Kenneth Badger accidentally shot an urchin in the back.

Fade to a distinctly inspiring void that consumes the universe.

Let there be light.



  1. Britishness and Romance, eh?! ๐Ÿ˜‰ You should have added ‘God’ to that tag. Good writing! Loved the chickens line: “…doubts assailing me like chickens fired from a cannon into the side of a barn.” Sweet. Where did that come from? And maybe God was there, smacking his forehead with the palm of his hand. ๐Ÿ˜‰


    1. The chicken cannon simile is entirely my own, though I suspect I may have read something very similar before…you know how it is… Tsk. God isn’t real, CDF! That would make my posts ludicrous… [bait well and truly laid…]


      1. [bait well and truly laid…] Are you insinuating that I am devious…or that you are? ๐Ÿ˜‰ And since you brought it up: God is as real as the tax man, JDA, and we all have to deal with him eventually. *heavy sigh* ๐Ÿ˜€

      2. I believe in the tax man….I’ve seen him…he’s not dreamed up….! Nah, forget I said that, we’re NEVER gonna agree on that little doozy!

      3. ‘He who messes with others should expect to be messed with.’ It’s in the Bible…in the Psalms of Rebecca…look it up! ๐Ÿ˜‰ You have to know I’m just teasing you, JDA! I won’t mention ‘You Know Who’, though, if it will make you happy. ๐Ÿ™‚

      4. You just quoted the bible at me and got all Christian at the end there… It’s not the name “God” I object to, it’s the concept! Damnit, hoss, I was supposed to be the winder-upper and it got flipped all upside down! Cunning!

  2. I am sorry. I tease way too much and things get out of hand. I apoligize. I really don’t want to annoy/upset you. I’d like to be friends. I hope you’ll forgive me. If it helps, Mormons aren’t considered most people. (Sorry, did it again!) :S


      1. Ah, JDA…never ask a Mormon about their religion! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Teasing, sort of… I suppose the simple answer is that our beliefs about God and Jesus Christ (and most everything else!) are so fantastical and different from mainstream Christianity, if there is such a thing, that we are viewed as heretics…and worse. To even answer your question on a blog makes me a target for people who believe it’s their duty to eradicate Evil wherever they find it – starting with Mormons. Don’t think they wouldn’t take the opportunity! It’s happened before. If you want more in-depth answers or have other questions, I’m always happy to talk about it, I like to talk about it, just email me ( under contact me/home page). That way we avoid any blood spilt on your blog! Although, I have a feeling YOU might find that entertaining… ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. I’ve been meaning to ask you if you have seen “A Message from the Queen to the citizens of the United States of America” ? It’s so funny! Made me think of you.

      3. Yeah, that is funny… I particularly liked the bit about how great we are and how daft you lot are. Anyhoo, religion. Ha, no, I see your point. I will not set the flame to that particular huge pile of dynamite.

      1. Don’t tell me that now! It’s working! (this notion that you are feverishly writing, building up an impressive word count, while I sit around with a bag of Cheetos) I’m finally writing again. For hell’s sake, just go along with it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. Dammit, your avatar’s changed – I’m all discombobulated. Okay, I am not at my most prolific (I’ve started on something else…as a diversion…) but I still manage a thousand words a day on average… Take solace from that, and that it pokes your competitive edge.

      3. Yes, I’m re-vamping my blog! I can’t re-arrange the furniture so it will have to do. Hmm, a thousand words a day, huh? I don’t know if I can keep up with that- I don’t write every day. But since you threw down the gauntlet… ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks, BTW.

      4. I’m just flexing my writing muscles a bit – trying out a new story, a bit darker. I’m taking a break from the 140k one for a bit, I wasn’t happy with it, plot-wise, or vibe-wise. It’s all part of the learning curve…

      5. True (learning curve). I switch over to something else when I get frustrated, as well. I have this horrible habit of quiting a story right before it’s finished, like one chapter left! I don’t know why I do that. I have a children’s book like that, just have two or three PAGES to go – and I stopped! I hope you’re happier with the new story you’re working on…and that you’ll share some of it. :{) (mustache smile)

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